Following You
by silvaaeterna
Summary: Mello's heart tightens in his chest, and he knows he has only forty seconds left in this world. There's no time for goodbyes, but then, who is left for him to say goodbye to? Matt x Mello oneshot.


**Summary:** Mello's heart tightens in his chest, and he knows he has only forty seconds left in this world. There's no time for goodbyes, but then, who is left for him to say goodbye to? MxM oneshot.

**Disclaimer:** Neither Death Note nor Mello belong to me in any way. Sigh.

**Warning:** Contains mild language and sexual references. Beware the unbridled angst!

**A/N:** So, this is my very drabbley birthday piece for dear Mello. His birthday was actually Saturday, but I got bogged down by Christmas shopping and forgot, heh..

誕生日おめでとう, メロ君!

***

**Following You**

My heart tightens in my chest, and I know.

Forty seconds. How many times have I counted it off? How many insignificant thugs did I order to die just to test that accursed notebook? Never allowing the ink to stain my own hands, I merely sat and listened as someone else scribbled out the name of the doomed. I sat with a smirk and a cocky pose, a kingpin prima donna decked out in leather on a zebra-striped couch. I didn't give a damn about anyone else, because for the moment, I had won.

Thirty-five seconds. I almost want to laugh, but my body is no longer my own. It moves in spasms, its only sound a choking gasp as it tries desperately to cling to this world, but still I feel only the clenching pain in my chest. The rest is numb, my limbs hanging beside me and twitching on their own. I was wrong, wasn't I? Was anything I did really for you, L, or was it all just selfish competition? And now, will I get to see you again? I'm sure you're with God now – I know He loves at least you. You died for justice, a valiant soldier felled in battle, and I... I can't be sure now if it's Kira or the weight of my own sin that's crushing my heart.

Thirty seconds. Maybe it's true that the soul resides in the heart, because I can feel nothing else but the pain of this determined muscle trying to rip itself apart and finally let me escape. I wonder, did you ever really penetrate this hardened heart of mine, Matt? I was sure I hadn't let you in, but now that you're gone too... Did I bring you down with me and sully your soul? You should be in Heaven too, you should rest peacefully alongside L. But knowing you, I'm sure you refused to enter the gates – you probably chose to wait for me in Hell. You always did sacrifice so much for me...

Twenty-five seconds. I can no longer feel my skin. I can't feel any of those sensitive spots where you touched me, where you lit me up with so many new sensations. My lips are gone, and that last fleeting taste you left on them is lost to me forever. I think my eyes are open still, but all these unshed tears will never reach them. If I could just look on you again, maybe...

Twenty seconds. I meant it when I said I was sorry, Matt. I screwed up and damned us both. I wonder, if I'd listened to you, would we have had more time? Could we have lived the sort of life you wanted for us – could we have ever been happy, or would I have just made you miserable and broken your precious heart? Could I have ever loved you as much as you've always loved me?

Fifteen seconds. Yes, my loyal Matt, I knew. Your touches were too gentle and reverent to be products of simple lust. You were never very good at hiding your feelings to begin with; those sweet grey eyes of yours always gave you away. Did you ever know how those little hints of green in them would light up when I kissed you, how they would twinkle with such childish hope, such blind devotion?

Ten seconds. The spasms slow, and I feel a dull reverberation as my body falls forward against the steering wheel. I am amazed that I am still aware enough to feel even this much – but that no longer matters. All I know is that the vibration brings me back to you. The way your body would shake when you were lost in the heights of pleasure, that soft hum in your throat when you moaned, the shivers you gave me with every little touch.

Just five more. I am still at last, frozen for these few seconds, my body numb and tired. I can't breathe any longer, or else it would be just like after we... Like lying on the bed, panting and unmoving in an aftermath I could never learn to properly deal with, even after so much practice. But you always knew what to do, didn't you? You always seemed to know just what I needed most in those final moments, and always were so willing to give it...

I see you lying here with me, smiling even at the ends of the earth. You're trying to laugh, though you're breathing even harder than I am, and it only brings a happy grin to your face instead. Red hair a mess, sticking to your sweaty forehead, and your arm trembling as you try to prop yourself up. You manage to get a smile out of me – you're the only one who ever could – and I reach up to touch your cheek. You lean down and kiss me so softly, like I'm something fragile, like you weren't just pounding me into the mattress moments ago. It puzzles me, but then you wrap your arms around me and suddenly I'm pressed close against you. It's so warm and safe here that I don't even remember what I was so confused about. It probably doesn't matter anyway, maybe it never did. Maybe there never was a concrete reason for it.

I close my eyes and bury myself in you until the world is drowned away, until all I can hear is your heartbeat echoing in my ears. We don't need questions any longer, it's all understood. I'm following _you_ this time, Matt, and that's all there is to it.


End file.
